Choosing Joy…The Laws of Emotional Strength
I did it! I survived the respiratory virus that caused pneumonia in two of my children, bronchitis-like junk in a couple more, ear infections in two of them, hives in two of them (on two of them?) and coughing, coughing, coughing from all of us…yes, for those keeping score, Anna finally succumbed. But, It did not ruin my twenty-second wedding anniversary either. I chose joy, even though I wasn’t feeling it part of the time. I practiced the Laws of Emotional Strength ala Tommy Newberry and The 4:8 Principle: The Secret to a Joy-Filled Life
Today, let’s talk about what Tommy Newberry says in The 4:8 Principle: The Secret to a Joy-Filled Life
Let’s talk about what Tommy calls, The Law of Attention.
I mention in my “Hi There” section, I used to use my mind as a garbage dump. I watched whatever, read whatever and listened to whatever. I took it all in, and then wondered why I was scared, depressed, angry and confused.
In The 4:8 Principle: The Secret to a Joy-Filled Life
I was depressed because I read depressing things. I am speaking from my experience and there is a bit more to that statement and my past depression, but the bottom line is…I fed the depression. A steady diet of sad stories, that maybe normally do not cause the average person to think twice after they finished reading or hearing it…I would dwell on it. I would examine every sad aspect and emotion of the story. It was almost as if I became a part of the story if only an outside bystander. My heart broke with news of children suffering, women being harmed and the overall plight of a fallen world. I lived in a constant state of brokenness–brokenhearted–broken soul and broken mind.
Fear, worry, depression, anger and anxiety took the prominent place in my thought life which led to my words. I felt “bad” so I spoke words that supported that. My mouth was a steady stream of negativity and that fed my mind. Ay Yi Yi, what a vicious cycle! The Psalmist says, “Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” †Psalm 19:14 These words come from King David, a man after God’s own heart…who also committed adultery with Bathsheba and killed her husband to get him out of the way and cover his sin. And he’s asking God to let his thoughts and words be pleasing to Him. He didn’t dwell in the pit of wrong thinking. You’ll find in the Psalms his confessions and his sorrow, but not his dwelling in that place. King David could not be effective for the kingdom of God if his thoughts and words were constantly about his mistakes, his sorrows and his sins. He would have never found the joy of the Lord that causes him to exclaim with utter delight throughout the Psalms. He wrote the first Self Help book and it’s filled with his remedy for wrong thinking…filling his mind with the good things of the Lord and then meditating on them…day and night. †Psalm 119
It took me some time to realize, God was not keeping me in my fears…I was; not that I thought He was, I actually never considered God’s influence or help at this point. God was not putting sorrowful thoughts in my mind…I was force feeding them to myself; again, not that I thought He was, I never considered that He might care about my thought life. And God was not reminding me of my past sorrows and sins…no, that came from somewhere else; Now, I did think that was God.
I had to perform a major overhaul on my habits, yes, they were habits. I could no longer watch scary shows and expect a mind at rest. I could no longer read sorrowful stories and expect a joyful mind. I had to give up the desire to “feel” others pain in order to avoid my own…Did you just get that? I could no longer avoid my own feelings by substituting the pain, sorrow and fear of another. (Oh yeah, we will be talking more about that.)
Did you wonder if I’d just let the month slip away since our infographic proclaimed our “Journey to Joy” officially ended September 21st? No way! September 21st was a weird time to stop anyway, but that technically was a month…and I am one of those “technically” types of people. On the other hand, I’m also one of those that does not like to start something on a Tuesday or end in the middle of a week, or month; so let’s keep going.
What captures your mental attention, what do you dwell upon…and is it a bad habit you need to break?
Fit to Burst Book Notes
I’m recording my notes from Fit to Burst : Abundance, Mayhem, and the Joys of Motherhood
Stop by my page dedicated to book club notes and suggestions…Book Club Suggestions.
–The mentality of sacrifice is not a mentality of sorrow. Well, I’m not sorrowful I think, but does my body language and tone of voice reflect that? Do I say, “I haavve to fix dinner,” in a tone that expresses joy in my vocation? Or do I roll my eyes, draw out my words and slog my way to the kitchen?
–Scripture is very clear on this–if you seek to be full, give.
–Sacrifice isn’t really sacrifice if it involves only doing what you want.
–When you empty yourself for others, God fills you up.
–God gives to us that we may give. There are so many ways I have considered this sentence. God has given my children to me so that I may give them back to Him. God has given me His love so that I can give my love to my children. God has given me His Son, sacrificed for my life, so that I may give my life as a sacrifice to God and my children…
–There is a difference between giving something and having it taken from you. If you still count the things that you lost with resentment, then you did not give them.
–Your thoughts alone will not play into the memories of your children. What’s the saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” This is a great reminder to me that parenting is a verb…a hands on–hearts on, full time job.
–When we want the cost to be shared by all, we are not imitating Christ. How many times has my attitude been one of expecting Chris’ help when he walks through the door? Now, I’m not saying Chris shouldn’t help. What I am saying is I have this attitude of “I’ve been with a cranky toddler, a grumpy teen and lots of people in between wanting this-that-or-the other and I’m so glad you’re here to take over. I’m tired.” Obviously that does not take into account the day he may have had. All I’m concerned with is getting my burden relieved.
–I am in charge both of setting the goals and expectations, and of following through on them. I’m pretty good at setting the goals, very good at setting the expectations and choke when it comes to the follow through…but oh boy do I expect others to fill in that gap for me sometimes. I need to read and reread the whole take the log out of your own eye story time and time again.
–Nobody wants to gather around with people who despise you and who see you as a task to be checked off…They (our children) should see us laboring hard to make a beautiful life for them while not losing sight of them in it. This quote, along with Sarah’s book, Teaching from Rest: A Homeschooler’s Guide to Unshakable Peace, has me rereading all those homeschooling books I read so long ago. I want to make sure my children’s education is not just one more thing to be checked off, unless they are a child that wants to check off the box.
Also, do my children feel like they are just “one more thing?” I wouldn’t want to feel that way.
–But our opportunities to bless our children are often most present when we least feel like it. AMEN!
–Real life is messy because it is going somewhere. This an area I have been completely shocked by in the last couple of years. I thought since I practiced attachment parenting with each of my children from birth, that would insulate my relationship with them and protect it from the strains of teen-age behavior problems. Well, I was wrong. Here’s why…first and foremost we all are fallen creatures. But more importantly, an active growing life does get messy for the exact reason this quote states, “…it is going somewhere.” Birth is messy…and glorious and joyful and something to be celebrated, but messy for sure. And just as a child is brought forth from the mother’s womb, it is also brought forth into the world later on as an emerging adult. And sometimes that can look and feel a little messy. Oh my gracious–that realization was amazing–right now as I was typing it! Thank you Jesus for that revelation.
–Our lives are a story–they are interwoven with the next generation in a way that is impossible for us to understand. This does not say our lives are fairy tales…they are a story–they are our story. What story am I writing on the hearts and minds of my children to share with theirs?
–It is a mother’s job to communicate the love that the father has towards his children. It is our job to translate. When we take the work that our husband does and turn it into fellowship around the table, he is able to enjoy both the fruit of his hard work and the enjoyment of his love. He provided for us, and we are rejoicing in that.
–Who you eat with shapes you on a very basic level.
–We need to spend less time listening to ourselves, and more time talking to ourselves. But be very careful what you say momma!
–Discontent will never change the world.
Hold On to Your Kids Books Notes Part 2
I’m sharing notes from my reading of Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
–Some children need to sense that they matter to the parents in order to feel close to them. Hmm, do my children know they matter to me? How would I show them that they matter to me?
–Family outings and holidays need to be protected. Do not dilute these collection times by bringing friends. I don’t think the author is saying, “never-ever” but how many times have I heard parents say that allowed friends to come along so their children will have someone to play with–someone their own age…I think that does a great disservice to the family bond. I think parents and children need some time to be bored with each other.
–Family meals are of extreme importance…Bedtime routines are important. This reminds me of a recent post from Auntie Leila, Eating Dinner Together When the Kids Get Older.
–Use connection, not separation, to being a child into line.
–Draw near to the child; reestablish emotional closeness before expecting compliance.
–The will to connect must be in the parents before there is anything positive for the child to respond to. Ahh, I need to examine my heart.
–When problems occur, work on the relationship, not the incident. I think this is a quote geared more for the older children. I don’t know that I need to “work on a relationship” before I discipline Leo for trying to run out into the field while Chris is mowing.
–Realities need to be presented firmly so they do not become an issue. (This won’t work, I can’t let you do that, Your sister said no…) To equivocate to reason, to explain, to justify–is to fail to give the child something to adapt to. If there is any chance of the situation to be changed, there will be no priming adaptation. I honestly believe this depends on the child. We have a couple of kids that if the answer is not a firm “no” they think it could be a “yes.”
–More important than our words, is the child’s sense that we are with her, not against her. I have a child who I believe thinks we are not for them. This is sad. And I’m not really sure how to turn it around. This sense on the child’s part came about a couple of years ago from outside influences who we thought were our friends. They undermined our parenting and ultimately our relationship with our child.
–It is essential to acknowledge a child’s positive intentions instead of identifying him with his impulses, actions and failures. Be as supportive and as encouraging as possible. This falls under one of our “Family Rules.” Assume the best…Forgive the worst.
Stop by my page dedicated to book club notes and suggestions…Book Club Suggestions.
Hold on to Your Kids Book Notes
The next book I’m recording my notes from is Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers.
–to “collect your child” get in their space in a friendly way–eye contact, smile, nod…
–morning collection is very important This is something I used to struggle with especially with my older children. They have alarm clocks. They don’t use or they ignore their clocks. I resented this. But in reading Sally Clarkson, and I don’t recall if it was a post or book in particular, it seemed like she took great joy in waking her children. So now I wake my children most mornings. Right now, Leo and I go door to door and say, “Good Morning. Happy Monday (or Tuesday…) Time to start getting around.” I’ve put this in the perspective that sooner rather than later those rooms will be empty and my children will have to wake up on their own. Sooner, rather than later, I will be waking up without a full house.
–rebuilding the bridge is always our responsibility (children are not mature enough to understand the need for it) This is something I must repeat to myself constantly. When disagreements arise, feelings can and do get hurt. If a child has been ugly in word or deed, my first instinct is to recoil and wait. This one quote made me realize, it is my responsibility to try to restore that bridge between us.
–make a child feel invited to exist in our presence exactly as he is–express delight in his very being How many times do my children come into a room and first of all, I may be doing some thing else and so I don’t greet them (ouch, that was tough to share) or when I see them I say something like, “Go wash your hands…that skirt is too short…have you finished your chores…where’s the baby…” I am really working on greeting my children each and every time they enter my presence with a smile and a hug if they are close enough. I want to note, I also need to greet them with a smiley voice too.
–invite dependence…our refusal to invite them to depend on us drives them into the arms of others
–Act as the child’s compass point. (This is the plan…3 days until…next is…) I know some of my kids need to know what’s coming. We tease that they are just nosy, but rereading through these notes, I need to consider myself their compass point.
–Orient them about their identity and significance…(You have a special way of…You are the kind of girls who…You have a real gift for…You have what it takes to…) I believe this is so important especially for Chris and our girls. Of course this is important for me and the boys to, but if our girls–teen girls–do not hear they are awesome from Chris, some teen-age boy will tell them exactly what they need to hear and he may not have the best intentions.
–We need to come at the task of collecting our children with an air of confidence and not let ourselves be put off or distracted from our mission. The more defiant and impossible to be around children are, the greater their need to be reclaimed. This reminds me that parenting is a selfless work intended for life and also a holy work meant for the salvation of ourselves and our children. Parenting must be based on the unseen, eternal things.
But a woman will be saved through having children, if she perseveres in faith and love and holiness, with modesty.
†1 Timothy 2:15
–Peer oriented children have high attachment needs. We need to create an attachment void by separating the child from his peers and then place ourselves in the void as substitutes. This is not saying peer friendships are bad, but they can get out of balance. I see this with children who are only interested in communication with their friends via texting, email, facebook…while completely oblivious to the family life going on around them. It’s sad to see a family sitting at the table at a restaurant waiting for their food to be delivered, all the while staring at their respective devices.
–Focus on the relationship not the behavior. There have been some issues come up in our family that my one time hard stance has needed to soften in order to reach or keep my child’s heart. If I would have continued to hold my firm stance, on an issue not sinful mind you, my child’s heart would have been completely closed off to any other instruction or wisdom I had. My child’s heart would have been completely closed off from me.
–Children do not experience our intentions. They experience what we manifest in tone and behavior. This goes back to the point above about wanting our children to feel accepted in our presence. I may be concerned about a child getting sick from dirty hands but if that’s the first thing I say to them in a disapproving manner, they think I disapprove of them. If my daughter walks into a room and the first words out of my frowning mouth are, “Your skirt is too short,” she doesn’t know I think she’s beautiful and her clothing should reflect that. She thinks I don’t approve of her. This will cause a separation between us and she will look for approval somewhere else.
Stop by my page dedicated to book club notes and suggestions…Book Club Suggestions.
Here’s Part 2 of Hold on to Your Kids.
What has been one of your favorite parenting books?
Hi There!
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